childrenoflilim | rl w/willow: in which willow attempts a heart-to-heart, backdated monday afternoon

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rl w/willow: in which willow attempts a heart-to-heart, backdated monday afternoon

[willow was dead set on coming over. 'to make things better,' she said.

some buried, bitter part of him laughed at that.

being awake wasn't even pain. pain would be preferable because it meant there was still something to care about. no, being awake was nothing. it was all the same. he grew close to someone and then they betrayed him. they left him. they forced him to swim. nothing changed.

and if nothing changed, he should die.

but not even that worked.

he sits at the side of the lake, clothes soaked, eyes blank, and disgusted with himself.]

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[Willow's definitely in over her head. Way, way in over her head.

She doesn't care. She'll figure it out, because Shinji's her friend and she needs to do whatever she can. She doesn't say anything, just takes one look at him, folds to her knees, and envelopes him in a wordless hug.]

Edited 2011-04-07 03:10 (UTC)

[he can feel the sudden warmth--human kindness--enveloping him, but makes no effort to return the gesture; it's debatable whether or not shinji is mentally aware of who she is at all.]

[Oh, that makes her way more worried. Willow hugs him tightly for a little while longer, not wanting to let go, but finally takes a deep breath and draws back to look at him.

Her face is lined with concern.] Shinji, I... if I tell you a story, will you listen to it for me?

[shinji shrugs after a moment. 'sure. if you want me to, i will,' the gesture small and unsteady gesture implies.]

Bear with me, it's a little long. [Somehow she doesn't think Shinji wants to do a lot of talking right now, anyway, so he's stuck in the listening role. If he won't talk, she'll have to. The silence makes her all uncomfortable.

Okay, time to ramble out loud instead of in her head. Willow takes a breath to gather her thoughts and then begins.] A few years ago, Buffy moved to Sunnydale and I learned a few things. I learned that there were vampires and that she had to fight them and that she was my friend, as good a friend as Xander, and believe me, that's a very, very good friend. So... so when she found someone to love, I was happy for her, and she was happy.

His name was Angel. He was a really good guy, kinda awkward, but he always tried to do the right thing, and he loved her back the way a girl wants. With little looks and... and telling her she was beautiful. It was romantic. It's important that you know that, because Angel was also a vampire. The only vampire in the entire world with a soul - until Spike, years later, but we haven't gotten there yet.

But yeah, it was romantic. And then... something happened, last year, that changed all of that. [Willow hesitates here. Everything is still so fresh in her mind, and some of it is a lingering hurt. It takes her a moment to go on.]

Angel lost his soul, and he started killing people.

[ripples.

ripples in the lake in front of him. across times and universes for the person beside him. how far could they extend? and for how many people were damaged when the same ripple was a mighty wave?

he considers this.]

...what happened after that?

[Her voice goes quiet, soft. She can't quite look at him, but there's a hand left on his knee - Willow needs contact to keep talking about this. It's not really her story, and it makes her feel illicit or wrong to be sharing it. But she wants to share it... really, really wants to.]

He killed our computer teacher, Ms. Calendar. I... I even had to sub her class. He left her body in Giles' apartment, and-- and okay, you don't need the gory details, but it. It got pretty gory. He decided to try to end the world.

So I... found the spell to give him his soul back, and while I was doing that, Buffy went to kill him. [Her hesitation vanishes midway through the sentence, replaced by a kind of calm, sad acceptance.] The spell worked, but it was too late to save him. Buffy had to kill him to keep the world hell-free.

And then she ran away, and I didn't see her all summer. I wasn't there for her, didn't know if she'd eaten her cheerios or cried herself to sleep every night or-- or anything. I want to be here for you. Do you understand?

Edited 2011-04-13 01:04 (UTC)

[she wants to keep an eye on him, make sure he does not have to mourn alone, keep him alive and healthy. and once the pain was over, he could live a life without Evangelion Unit-01. he had been looking forward to the day the last angel was defeated in december. he had dreamed of a life of his choosing, full of travel and friends. what an idiot he was then. eva could not be escaped. whatever destiny awaited him was intertwined with it. he was aware of that from the first moment their eyes met. but he could lie to himself. trick his mind into believing the opposite was true since boarding the train for tokyo-3.

shinji could lie to others too.]

I understand.

You say that, but... [Willow looks uncertain again, plainly still worried. Her hand leaves his knee to reach out tentatively for his shoulder.] You're all-- closed off. You don't seem upset at all, but you have to be.

[he looks at her for the first time when her hand touches his shoulder. nothing reaches his eyes and nothing will reach out to willow. he's done exactly what she said, closed himself off for there is nothing else that can hurt him as long as he keeps his distance. that was his mistake with kaworu. he'd let him in too quickly, too soon. what joy there had been was insignificant in the face of his current walls of despair. he doesn't dare try to speak beyond the wall again.]

[She keeps her hand there despite the lack of response, squeezing gently.] I won't push, [she says softly, meeting his eyes and feeling nothing but compassion and caring.] I'll just... I'll be here when you need me. Or even if you never need me, I'll still be here. Okay?

[what would he do if no one liked him?

willow is offering him the chance to never consider the possibility again. it's so near. all it takes is a hug or a few tears (that wouldn't be hard, he's had the strange feeling in his throat of crying since sunday night although the tears refuse to fall). it can be so easy.

having someone by his side even though he could not see them was a pipe dream. that was a luxury afforded to those who did not destroy all they loved with their own hands.

he nods, slow and curt.]

[Even Willow can't keep giving forever into a void. Shinji's continued blankness, not even words, deflates her. She slowly takes her hand back completely, retreating into herself and unconsciously giving him space on the bed.]

Please tell me if I can do anything, [is all she says, a little desperately. She feels pushed aside, useless. It's so hard for her not to take it personally when someone refuses to let her in, though she knows that she shouldn't. She needs to do what's best for Shinji. This isn't about her.]

[shinji senses that he has created fresh wounds.

giving in was easy, giving in to his self-hatred was easier. this was better for everyone else. they hurt, they left him, they were safe from him. pain was preferable. he had lived with it so long that it barely registered anymore, only a dull ache somewhere close to his heart. but being selfish was alright once in a while. right?]

...stay.

[She's leaning in again and wrapping him in another hug before she can stop herself, and this time it's meant as comfort for both of them. Words press up behind her teeth that she can't voice - you're my friend, I care about you, I feel so alone sometimes, you're not the only one who can hate themselves - but they won't come out, and she isn't crying, just hiding her face in his shoulder and breathing.]

Edited 2011-04-19 05:45 (UTC)

[he can't give what he doesn't feel. he can lie and hide and avoid, but not that. however, he leans into her hug and makes no attempt to move away.

this.

he could use more of this.]

[To Willow, it's comforting enough. Any sign that she's wanted, that she's needed... it's enough for her.]

Thank you, [she mumbles into his shirt, unmoving. Thank you for trusting me even this amount, she means.]

[thanking him? for what? and why? there was nothing a horrible, lying, coward like himself could ever do anything good if he tried. his hands were meant to rip asunder, to murder, to destroy. whatever he touched was bound for ruin.

that is why he says nothing nor takes the opportune moment to return her embrace. just sinks into her warmth and closes his eyes.]

[She stays with him for a while longer, realizing that nothing she can say will help and the most she can do is be with him right now. It's more than she was able to do for Buffy, so Willow isn't dissatisfied with that.

Eventually she does withdraw from him and wipe her eyes, though she hadn't been crying, and leave with a soft goodbye.]

[again. alone.

he lays down without changing his clothes or taking off his shoes. shinji is too tired to bother with formalities, too tired in more ways than one. he wants nothing more than to sleep for as long as it takes for everything to pass him by. the residual traces of willow's moment of comfort lull him into a doze.

shinji wakes up a few hours later with the new nightmare of killing kaworu over and over again fresh in his mind, leaving him more tired than ever before.]

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rl w/willow: in which willow attempts a heart-to-heart, backdated monday afternoon

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