31. accidental video, time stamped 10:30 PM

[childrenoflilim]

[the semi-darkness does not hide shinji curled into a ball on his bed.  does not hide the SDAT curled in a fist and held onto like a life line.  does not hide the state of disrepair of his room.

does not hide his darkened, empty eyes staring at nothing.

his free hand flexes once of its own accord.  lifting the arm as if it were made of lead, he holds it up to the light from the city coming through his window.  it takes as much effort to lower it, remove his earbuds, sit up, and shuffle out.  the sound of running water drifts from another room for nearly fifteen minutes before he returns to lay in his original position.

he repeats the process an hour later.

again.

again.

again.

what little light there is suggests that his hands are turning a nasty shade of raw red from so much washing.

he is in the process of getting up again when the feed finally runs out.]

Comments

[hands4healing.livejournal.com]

Shinji? What's going on? Are you all right?

[voice]

[childrenoflilim.livejournal.com]

The wrong person survived.

[hands4healing.livejournal.com]

What do you mean?

[voice forever]

[childrenoflilim.livejournal.com]

I shouldn't have been the one to live.

[majrkatsuragi.livejournal.com]

Shinji?

_{Shinji, are you okay?}

[voice]

[childrenoflilim.livejournal.com]

Misato-san. Tell me.

Is this how you felt when Kaji-san died?

[voice]

[majrkatsuragi.livejournal.com]

Like you've been shattered into a million pieces and you'll never recover?

[clapifyoubullieve]

sHINJI,
uM,

i THINK, yOUR HANDS ARE CLEAN NOW,

[childrenoflilim.livejournal.com]

But they still smell like blood.

[clapifyoubullieve]

wHAT,

[video]

[guiltapalooza]

[No, no... things were supposed to be better. They were supposed to be--

Willow hesitates. This kind of deep depression isn't something she has a lot of experience dealing with, or any, really. It makes her hesitate, the natural uncertainty of a teenager feeling that she's entering deeper waters than she was prepared for.

But this is Shinji, and he's growing to be her friend, and she won't abandon him. Willow steels her resolve, and dives in... voice quiet.]

Shinji, can I come see you?

[video]

[childrenoflilim.livejournal.com]

Security is outside the apartment. I don't usually see them, but tonight I did. They want to make sure nothing else happens. [his voice is quiet as well, but that is because it is a chore to think or speak. there is no emotion. there is nothing.]

[video]

[guiltapalooza]

I... so I can't come? I just, I don't know what to do-- I want to hug you, and... make things better, but I can't. It doesn't work that way.

[Audio]

[material_guy]

Don't do that.

[Audio]

[childrenoflilim.livejournal.com]

Why?

[Audio]

[material_guy]

You did that six times now, kid. You got the result you want out of it even once?

[infinite-arcana.livejournal.com]

... Shinji?

[childrenoflilim.livejournal.com]

Hello, Minako-senpai.

[infinite-arcana.livejournal.com]

What happened?

[voice] S-Shinji is making me feel sad

[killerbaseball.livejournal.com]

Shinji. What happened?

[His tone is cautious, only letting the slightest bit of concern slip through.]

[voice] it doesn't get better from here sob

[childrenoflilim.livejournal.com]

Someone I loved died.

[voice]

[killerbaseball.livejournal.com]

And you... touched the body?

[deadly_garden]

[Kurama knows that behavior, remembers it from days long ago. So even if he missed what happened (because mun said he should, knowing Kowaru and all), he knows the broad strokes]

Shinji-san... I am so sorry.

[childrenoflilim.livejournal.com]

[shinji doesn't bother asking who kurama is nor does he really care. he's passed that point the moment he closed his fist around kaworu's slim frame.]

Don't be.

[deadly_garden]

Do you want anyone to come see you at all?