29.

[childrenoflilim]

I feel...sad.

But I can't cry.





Why?

Comments

[hands4healing.livejournal.com]

What's wrong, Shinji?

[childrenoflilim.livejournal.com]

I don't know what's wrong. The things I saw should made me sad. A normal person would cry. But I can't.

[hands4healing.livejournal.com]

[Awww, Winry wishes she could give him a hug.]

What did you see, Shinji?

[childrenoflilim.livejournal.com]

[if only. ):]

...Ayanami. She's dead. Or the one I know is dead.

[hands4healing.livejournal.com]

[Oh, Shinji.]

I'm sorry.

[childrenoflilim.livejournal.com]

She saved me. The Angel was going to kill me and then she self-destructed her Eva. It killed it, and her too. And then she came back. But it's not her.

[hands4healing.livejournal.com]

[A little pause.]

I'm sorry, Shinji.

[childrenoflilim.livejournal.com]

[his voice is devoid of emotion. there's a physical ache there, yes, but anything else is simply--not there. like he's shut himself down. he plunges forward with his story as if ripping the band-aid off this cut has let it bleed once again. (fester, maybe.)]

Ritsuko called us after we saw Ayanami at the hospital. She showed us a graveyard. There were bones, huge ones from Evas that hadn't worked. Eva is--it's alive. The she showed us this tank of Eris. She said none of them had souls. That they were were used when something happened to Ayanami and her soul would go in it.

Then she destroyed them.

[Video]

[material_guy]

Maybe it ain't that kinda sad. Or maybe yer growin' up.

[Video]

[childrenoflilim.livejournal.com]

What kind of different sads are there?

[Video]

[material_guy]

Probably more than I can rattle off.

[Video]

[childrenoflilim.livejournal.com]

What's the sort of sad that keeps you from crying?

[Video]

[material_guy]

Well, for one thing, some guys, like me, just don't cry no matter what kinda sad.

[Video]

[childrenoflilim.livejournal.com]

...that's not me, I think.

[Video]

[material_guy]

Even the crying types might get too damned down to even cry.

Or when it's like yer all cried out, even though you ain't started. That kinda feeling probably exists.

Or there's the pissed off sad. I'm the type that usually gets more pissed off than sad.

Then there's shock. That comes with really sad shit a lot.

Or maybe it's one of those griefs with the stages... Denial, anger, bargaining... then some other ones. It's been a while since I heard about 'em.

[Video]

[childrenoflilim.livejournal.com]

Emotions are too complicated.

[infinite-arcana.livejournal.com]

Maybe you've cried too much.

[childrenoflilim.livejournal.com]

Maybe I won't cry anymore. That'll be good.

[killerbaseball.livejournal.com]

Maybe you have learned to cope with it.

[childrenoflilim.livejournal.com]

A normal person shouldn't learn to cope with these things.

1/2

[killerbaseball.livejournal.com]

[He... doesn't know what to say to that, for once.

Comparing Shinji to a professional killer certainly won't help him feel any better.]

[killerbaseball.livejournal.com]

[This reply comes noticeably delayed:]

I do not think that justifies your self-loathing.

[childrenoflilim.livejournal.com]

....

She killed herself so that I'd live. I'm just...me. She used her life for the wrong person.

[killerbaseball.livejournal.com]

If she did that... Then surely, she feels differently.

[childrenoflilim.livejournal.com]

Ayanami...I wish I could ask her why.