21. voice.

[childrenoflilim]

I hate the hospital ceiling.









I still smell like blood.

Comments

[voice]

[guiltapalooza]

Shinji?!

What happened? Why are you in the hospital?

[voice forever]

[childrenoflilim.livejournal.com]

We did a test today to see if we could pilot each others Evas. I got in Ayanami's and it went...crazy. I can't remember everything. It's all a big blank. But don't worry, WIllow, I'm okay.

[voice forever]

[guiltapalooza]

Telling me not to worry is a big ol' waste of time. I'm gonna worry.

Do you need anything, soup or-- or company? Did you pass out and that's why you're in the hospital?

[childrenoflilim.livejournal.com]

[long thoughtful pause] The last thing I remember is Eva hitting its head on the wall.... So. I guess I did.

Ayanami left about an hour ago and they brought food so it's okay. You don't have to come over.

[guiltapalooza]

I'll keep you company on here, then, [she declares.] When are you getting released? You're really unhurt, despite the... head smashing?

[childrenoflilim.livejournal.com]

Tomorrow morning, maybe. The doctors said they want to see if I have any mental contamination. [apologetic sigh] Sorry for making you worry so much.

[guiltapalooza]

No apologies, it's what I do. God Himself couldn't stop me from worrying.

Can I ask what they mean by mental contamination? That doesn't make any sense to me. Aren't you just piloting it?

[childrenoflilim.livejournal.com]

[quiet, halting:] It's something with how Eva works, I think. I don't understand it either, but...when I'm in the entry plug. It feels like it's a part of me or that I'm a part of it. When it gets hurt, I get hurt. Whatever I'm feeling inside the plug, it's like it responds to it. Since I was in Ayanami's Eva, maybe...maybe they want to make sure some of Ayanami didn't stay with me.

[guiltapalooza]

[her eyes are going wide on this end of the internet] So when it hit its head against the wall, you would've felt that? Oh, wow. That makes piloting a lot more dangerous. I had no idea there was a neurological link.

[childrenoflilim.livejournal.com]

Don't feel bad that you didn't. Not a lot of people do...they're not normal weapons.

[guiltapalooza]

I can see why they'd be concerned, though. The brain is really complex... it's hard to predict what it'll do.

[childrenoflilim.livejournal.com]

Yeah. They said they wanted to observe me, maybe run a few tests. It won't be too bad.

[guiltapalooza]

I'm sure they won't find anything and you'll come out of it a-okay.




Was that convincing? I want you to be fine! Tell me if you end up being not fine.

[Audio]

[material_guy]

Get your ass handed to you in a fight?

[voice]

[childrenoflilim.livejournal.com]

No, something happened during today's experiment.

[voice]

[material_guy]

Experi---you some kinda lab rat?

[voice]

[childrenoflilim.livejournal.com]

Hm...I suppose I am.

[voice]

[material_guy]

...I guess as long as yer fine with that...

Still. You don't even get to lay back, feel the burn and think "Yeah, but the other guy got off a lot worse!" That's probably worse than any kinda pain or boredom, hurtin' for no good reason.

[voice]

[childrenoflilim.livejournal.com]

You always hurt for a reason.

Ritsuko-san has been running tests all weekend to get information on the Eva and make it run better. Something weird happened Friday and today, my test went bad. It's not that I'm okay with it. I just have to do it.

[Voice]

[material_guy]

Lotsa people get hurt all the time for no good reason. It's better when there's a reason. If you're not okay with it, it's fine to get pissed off, y'know. Just sayin' you have to do it without even thinkin' "I want this bullshit to stop!" won't get you nowhere. At least if you think "I hate this but I hate every possible way out even more" it's a little better. You got a reason then; it's the best choice. It's just still not a good choice, but if there ain't any good choices... well, you're still hurt for no good reason, but, it's... you know. Better.

Re: [Voice]

[childrenoflilim.livejournal.com]

Sometimes you can't see the reason.

...I do hate it. I hate having to pilot. I hate being the only one that can do it. I hate that Father forced me into it. But there's no point in being angry because it's still my responsibility. There's no option. It's better to do what's asked of you with no feeling. The hurt gets numb that way.

Re: [Voice]

[material_guy]

That's just an excuse. Maybe you miss it sometimes, but not all the time.

Oi. Bein' pissed off and bein' hurt ain't the same thing. Sayin' no might be a pain in the ass, but you can do it. Just sayin' you got no choice is like tellin' yourself you don't even got the right to be pissed off, just like that whole "can't see the reason" excuse.

[Voice]

[childrenoflilim.livejournal.com]

They're not excuses. They're the truth. I can't say no because it's selfish if I do. Too many people will get hurt. I can't get angry and quit.


So I don't.

[Voice]

[material_guy]

Don't that just mean you're pickin' their safety over your comfort? You don't gotta do that. Either you're gettin' more out of doin' it than outtah not doin' it, or you really just hate yerself.

[Voice]

[childrenoflilim.livejournal.com]

Um...what?