33. public nightmare/video.

[childrenoflilim]

[everything is deep orange.  faint light streams from overhead--wherever overheard is--piercing some of the darkness, but not much.  and although nothing lives in this mass of orange, there is a single whispered voice.

please stay with me

then another.

i try my hardest, but no one loves me as much as i love them

one more.

i will always be alone

then the whispers grow louder, overlap, increase in number until it's a raucous wail of a world overflowing with sadness; millions screaming for someone to care about their lives of desperation with extending onto forever.   telling them apart is impossible now.  where do they end?

and where do you begin?]

Shinji jerks awake and clutches at his ears as if he's in physical pain.  The howls of life continue ringing in his ears.

Comments

video.

[xxxing.livejournal.com]

... Shinji? What happened?

video.

[childrenoflilim.livejournal.com]

[deep breaths to stay calm and keep his uneasy stomach from betraying him] A nightmare.

[xxxing.livejournal.com]

... Ah.

You got any special way you normally deal with 'em, kid? Talking, company, going back to sleep - shit like that, I mean.

[video]

[material_guy]

S'a little less embarrassing than waking up with a sticky stain on yer sheets and a different kinda yell, I guess...

[childrenoflilim.livejournal.com]

[he doesn't react to the innuendo in any other way than a noncommittal hum. for once, he can't get ~morally offended~ at greed's jokes.]

[video]

[material_guy]

[stare]

[video]

[killerbaseball.livejournal.com]

[Sigh.]

... Shinji.

[childrenoflilim.livejournal.com]

Hello, Mr. de Killer.

[killerbaseball.livejournal.com]

Have you been well?

[A terribly unnatural and stilted conversation, he knows.]

[stillneedawish]

Shinji-san?

[video for life]

[childrenoflilim.livejournal.com]

Kaname-san...please, don't worry.

[also video because that is how madoka rolls]

[stillneedawish]

[ a small chuckle, although she still looks concerned ] You can tell me not to worry, Shinji-san, but I already am.

Was... [ hesitates ] Was it a really bad nightmare?

[actionspam; you rang?]

[eschatologist.livejournal.com]

[the community had not alerted him. need not have.

up an hour before. up already. used to nights that seemed to creep or shiver. shadows darker and wider than before. darker and wilder than they had been before. skittering and flickering. bending inward, then out. and he had grown accustomed to them. had grown used to them. listening to the clock count down to dawn. listening to the hum and purr of engines. the gaping stillness of the city. buildings obscured past their kitchen windows. fingers curled around the same, wearing mug. breathing in the same, over-steeped tea. night after night. and the ocean - salt and surf. some steady roar. mounting up to nothing.

and the community had never alerted him. need not have.

his body traced the same patterns. without much thought, now. without much need of thinking, now. feet already knowing the way. if not the kitchen, it was their room (asuka’s, his). if not their room, it was another. never misato’s.

shinji-kun’s.

(incorporated into routine. automatic. incorporated into habit. instantaneous. despite knowing it to be something ingrained by repetition. something burned into muscle memory. a steady compulsion. etched by some motivation. despite knowing what he had done. making certain he slept. making certain he was able to eat. that he would eat. knowing - )

it had never faded. (had only waited. silent. for years. had curled up in corners. beneath the syllables of words, unspoken. beneath the weight of sentences, unuttered. beneath dust. carefully shaken out. like pages, smudged beneath time and observation. the whorls of his fingertips. nails. and lost, until now, fragments. tiny pieces of him. now present and fresh. remembered. and even now – still remembering. even now - )

he had poured another mug, this evening. (had heard him stir. long before he saw him. had heard him shift. long before he permitted himself to go. navigating the apartment by memory. alone. navigating the quickly familiarized hall to shinji’s room. with the brush of fingers against the walls. assuring.)

and now, he only gently nudges the door. a gentle alert. (he knows he is awake.) and now, he only gently nudges the door. a little ways open. (and does not ask permission. verbally. beyond a softer question. his name – and steps in. just carefully. just enough. to see the shadowed lines of his body, peripherally. knowing it best to – and he keeps his eyes on the dark liquid that swirls, heedless of the lip of the mug. that threatens to spill over.)

waits.]

[actionspam; yes, i did; is this the angstmobile?]

[childrenoflilim.livejournal.com]

[the silhouette, although taller and older, is unmistakable. relaxed and open just like his personality. forgiving. trusting. a frame that he crushed with such force that his entire body from the neck down was mangled beyond recognition.

shinji curls into himself.

(you are afraid of making the first contact, aren't you? you are afraid that the person will push you away. spoken lifetimes ago by another kaworu and just as relevant.)

from behind unkempt bangs, he watches for one step further.]

[actionspam; it is, yes. please be ready in five, mr. ikari.]

[eschatologist.livejournal.com]

[he had known this side. once. (years back. lingering at the door.) he had lived beside his fear. once. (shinji’s. and even now, in the blurriness of memory, he remembers the slow sharpening of elbows. the unkemptness of his room. the dorm. one he would pass, every night. one he was required to pass, every night. checking, when he could. checking, when he was permitted. away from the confines of a once endless tower. away from the shadows that now speak soft. and pale. a lifetime ago. in truth. in literal.)

two, when shinji’s body had once welcomed him. with the shy sloping of shoulders. the imprecise angling of his hands. fingers loose and not quite reaching. where his stumbled speech had once greeted him. his mouth twisting, self-conscious. and conscious, embarrassingly. to him. only to him. for, beneath nervousness. for, beneath the almost tangible need to be harbored and freed. simultaneous. for, beneath the upward glances. when he had not suspected he would answer – he had bridged some unseen variable. had pulled and coaxed, as he (himself) did. though, haphazard. yet, somehow gentle. uncalculated. unknowing, even – that he would tangle up his interest. that his loneliness would sew for him a net. that, in the end –

he remembers this all. remembers this posture. had seen it, before. in months and years past. in days or weeks, perhaps. remembering how he and asuka both have relied upon the makeshift wall of limbs. keeping out. turning in. (and no matter how gently he has held their hearts. no matter how gently he has dug his fingers in. handholds and footholds. it was only them that would choose to let him in. it would only be them, who would elect to allow him access. to permit him. to come closer. to move closer. with sharp or stuttered words. with tired minds and tired glances. and he had listened. had always listened. as near as he was drawn. as near as they would let him. unknowing. and not.)

and now, he sees it again. (recoil – and needs no words to understand. recoil – and needs no clarification. to cross the space that remains between them. beneath the weight of his glances. to close the space that lies before him. without sound and with a carefulness. to set the mug that he has brought for him down. upon the nightstand. to take a seat, without looking too directly to him (knowing it to hurt him, knowing it to -) on the edge of the bed. a measured distance. close. and not.)]

[hands4healing.livejournal.com]

Shinji, are you all right?

[childrenoflilim.livejournal.com]

...not really.

[hands4healing.livejournal.com]

Is there anything I can do?

[infinite-arcana.livejournal.com]

Shinji...

[childrenoflilim.livejournal.com]

It's just a nightmare, not real life for me. Please don't spend time wondering if I'll be okay.

[hoboheim.livejournal.com]

It's just like when the souls of the citizens of Xerxes were inside me. Just a swirling torrent of anger and resentment...

Shinji... What was that?

[childrenoflilim.livejournal.com]

The Sea.

[hoboheim.livejournal.com]

The Sea? That's not like any sea I know of...

Does this have something to do with that time you... disappeared?

[voice]

[voicewhichcalls.livejournal.com]

[ ... You again, boy.

Erik doesn't speak. He only begins to play a quiet, soothing sort of song. ]

[childrenoflilim.livejournal.com]

[listening very intently. music does calm the soul. evidence can be seen in how the tension eases out of his shoulders.]